I am generally not the most grounded of people.  I am what people politely call flighty when what they really mean is scatterbrained.  I go through phases where I really am focused and I think those times carry me through my less-together times.  Summer-time tends to send me into a bit of a tailspin…I think the lack of a schedule and having the girls with me all the time (which, honestly, I love…I’m somewhat dreading the start of school next week because I’m going to miss their little selves so very, very much) is just a perfect recipe for me to head into a season of chaos.  Normally, it’s not that big of a deal because chaos isn’t necessarily a bad thing in the summer.  This year, though, I don’t think I ever hit my stride last year and I ended up starting the summer even more off-kilter than I normally do.

Last year was difficult for me on a multitude of levels…Gracie starting kindergarten was hard on me (and her) and Abigail really went through a difficult phase toward the end of the school year  (you know that phase…the one where your 3-year-old thinks she’s old enough to do things like walk herself to school, drive the car, cook her own dinner in the oven..please tell me other 3-year-olds go through these phases!  ).  And let’s face it, the whole my dad getting sick and dying wasn’t exactly a picnic, either.  I think in a whole lot of ways I’m still reeling from last fall and winter and while some people adjust to a loss by buckling down and working really hard, I think I adjusted by getting done as little as humanly possibly and spending the rest of my time alternating between hugging my girls as tightly as I could and surfing the internet.  I don’t think I’ve really come to terms with my daddy’s death, but I don’t think I’ve actually been in denial either…I’m just still having trouble focusing.  I don’t know if it’s normal to still feel that way seven months later.  I just feel discombobulated (I love that word).

My hope is that the girls haven’t suffered too much from my flightiness this summer.  Steve laughs at me when I tell him that I feel that I haven’t done anything with the girls during their break…he says we’ve done more this summer than he did all the summers of his childhood combined (I know he’s at least partly humoring me, but it does make me feel better ).

I believe in my heart of hearts that things are going to get better in a couple of weeks when both girls are back in school and we get back on a schedule.  If you know me, you know I’m not really good with schedules and prefer to just kind of amble along, but I think right now, the girls and I all need a somewhat strict schedule (with plenty of free-time included) to keep us centered.  And, I know something else that I need to be doing that I haven’t done much of lately and that is….I need, on a deep, primal level to write down my thoughts, both the deep and the mundane.  I need a place to document the things that the girls & I do, if for no other reason than to have it to read later when I’m beating myself up, thinking I don’t do anything with them. I need a place to write down my memories of my father.   And that place, like it has been for more than three years, is right here.  I have been quiet here for a while, partly because I haven’t had time to write, but mostly because I just haven’t known quite what to say or where to start or if I would say the wrong things, but I need to start somewhere because this blog is important to me and I hope, one day, it will be important to my girls.

I’m sorry if this post has been somewhat of a downer, but I needed to dust off the cobwebs of my mind so I can start focusing on what is important in my life….namely…these three amazing people that I love deeply, wildly, and immensely…