Yesterday I cried for an hour for no good reason except sheer and absolute mental and emotional exhaustion.

Yesterday I realized that I have been shopping this summer, more than I should, because I’m stressed.  Stress shopping is no better for you than stress drinking or stress eating, but at least my girls have some really cool games and books and I have some awesome decorations for Halloween.  I’m not sure, but I think Steve would rather that I stress eat and may possibly rather that I stress drink.

Yesterday I tried to get out of going to the first meeting of my new bible study because I was too tired and too disorganized and too this and too that.  Steve made me go.  I am glad.

Yesterday I wished, at least once, that I lived on a desert island that didn’t involve doctor’s appointments, hospitals, nursing homes, or minivans so full of junk that you can’t put the back seat up.  But I realized that living on desert island would be lonely and by loving people I’m opening myself to doctor’s appointments, hospitals, nursing homes and minivans full of crayons, candy wrappers, and leftover McDonalds Happy Meal toys.

Yesterday, I fell into an exhausted sleep a little before midnight but not before I finished cleaning the kitchen.  Which made me feel good at 5:00 a.m. this morning.

This morning I thought, more than once, that sending Abigail to a boarding school is not something I’m totally against.  Particularly if she could start today.

This morning I felt like the worst mother. ever.

This morning I wondered why I’m capable of designing and supporting a database full of hundreds of thousands of records, but I’m not capable of getting the girls dressed and their lunches made without at least one of us having a meltdown.

This morning, for the first time in a long time, I missed my solitary drives to work at 5:30 a.m. when I listened to Morning Edition and the sky was still dark.

This morning, I would give anything to be able to talk to my father and hear his professional opinion.

This morning, my head is so full of pressure from the weather change that I’m almost wishing fall would leave and 100 degree temperatures would return.  almost.

Today, I am going to be an advocate for my oldest child.  And I don’t know what I’m doing. at all. and I hope that that’s okay.