I haven’t felt like myself for the last few months.   Not all the time but often enough that I feel slightly off-kilter.  It’s not a physical thing – I don’t feel bad.  In fact, except for a back pain that rears its head a couple of times a year, I feel really good.  It’s more of an emotional thing and I’m not quite sure how to describe it except that I am mad a lot more often than I usually am.  My feelings get hurt a lot easier than they usually do.  Sometimes, I feel alienated.  This all feels bizarre to type out, mostly because when I look back at my blog posts and Facebook entries over the last several months, they appear, at least for the most part, joyful.  And I have felt joyful, believe me I have.  The thing is, though, that for most of my life, joy has come naturally to me.  Now, joy feels like something I have to hunt down and hold on to for dear life.  Does that make sense?

I suppose this is in some ways understandable.  It’s been a rough six months for us.  No really big things, just a lot of little things that sometimes feel like they’re weighing me down.  I’ve been working.  a lot.  I enjoy my work; I honestly do.  But I’ve had more deadlines in the last few months than usual and I sometimes  feel like I’m using all of my energy treading water.  I feel like I’m lagging at work and that makes me feel guilty.  Steve and I are teaching Wednesday bible study classes at church.  We were volunteers last year – the format is different this year, so instead of just being there, we’re actually teaching (he’s got 1st and 2nd graders and I’ve got 4th and 5th graders).  I love this new format; I feel like I’m able to get to know the children so much better this way.  The amazing children’s director does all the work for us, so basically we just have to show up on Wednesday and be enthusiastic and engaged.  I have a wonderful co-teacher, so really I only have to be half enthusiastic and half engaged.   Sometimes, it’s a struggle for me on Wednesdays and that makes me feel guilty.  For the second year, I am Gracie’s Girl Scout leader.  Last year we had ten girls that were between the ages of 5 1/2 and 6 1/2 and three leaders.  This year we have eighteen girls between the ages of barely 5 and almost eight and three leaders.  I have amazing co-leaders.  But, sometimes I feel overwhelmed, particularly when I beg for help with something and I get shrugged shoulders.  Sometimes, I just want to quit and that makes me feel guilty.

I’ve documented Abigail’s struggles at night with what may or may not be nocturnal seizures.  She had her sleep study two weeks ago and we get the results on December 9th.  The neurologist’s office thinks that it’s unlikely to be seizure activity – she may have a nocturnal movement disorder, sleep apnea, or my favorite:  benign nocturnal mycolonic jerks.  It’s been more than two months since all this started and honestly, I’m more tired than worried and that makes me feel guilty.

What I have not documented very well is Gracie’s struggles over the last few months.  She had some trouble socially at the end of first grade and some school tests that she had over the summer led us to a child neuropsychologist.  She ended up with multiple diagnoses that somewhat go hand in hand.  She has attention deficit disorder, an anxiety disorder, and a pervasive developmental disorder (meaning she falls on the autism spectrum somewhere).  All of these are mild and none of them should prevent her from being successful at whatever she wants to do in her life.  In the summer Steve, Gracie, and I worked really, really hard on some behavior modification to help her with her focusing and on her outbursts.  Honestly, it was extremely difficult but it paid off big time.  Gracie was doing really, really well.  The last few weeks, though, we’ve seen some backsliding.  I think the reason for this is because I’ve been so focused on Abigail and everything else in my life that I haven’t been working as diligently with Gracie and that makes me feel guilty.  It’s just so very, very hard.  There were parts of this summer that were very dark for me – Gracie lost friends and I lost friends.  I feel like I can’t talk openly about the things that go on with Gracie because I’m terrified of her being ostracized even more than she already is.  If she had physical challenges, she would be welcomed with open arms.  Since her problems are behavioral and emotional, sometimes I feel like people think she’s contagious.   Please, if you’re reading this and you’ve thought twice about including my child, please, please, please reconsider.  The vast majority of the time, her trouble happens at home or when she’s with me.  She is able to keep it together until she sees me.  I promise you, too, that she will not give what she has to your child.  Honest. 

So, all of this guilt and angst and worry seems to have piled up for me over the last several months and I don’t really like who I am right now.  I can’t change most of the circumstances that have contributed to the way I feel.  But, I can change how I react.  I have felt sad and angry and lonely and maybe even a bit bitter.    That stops now.  Right now.  Joy and happiness and thankfulness may feel elusive right now.  But I am going to choose them.  I’m going to pray every day for God to help me see my cup is half full, really more than half full - it’s running over with blessings.  I’m going to let my guilt go and embrace my failures.  I.am.happy.starting.now.